There’s a new unscripted series coming to the Esquire Network that takes viewers inside the highly competitive sport of Extreme Wine Snobbery. Based on the acclaimed documentary Somm, Uncorked follows six hotshot wine professionals as they prepare to take the grueling master sommelier exam.
This isn’t just any old test, mind you. Earning the title of master sommelier requires a comprehensive knowledge of every wine from around the world, down to the exact plot of land where the grapes were grown. Since its inception 40 years ago, only 230 people have gained entry to the Court of Master Sommeliers, which has served as the international examining body of wine stewards since 1977.
As an oenophile who derives pleasure from the misfortune of others, I can hardly wait to curl up on my sofa with a bottle of merlot and watch as a group of wine-y know-it-alls are subjected to all manner of mental and physical torment over the course of six glorious episodes.
Make no mistake, there will be tears. And fights. And benders. And moments of abject despair. Oh, and lots more tears, as candidates try to pass four examinations, each harder than the one that precedes it. Like, wurtzite boron nitride–level hard. Imagine passing the LSAT, then making the grade for Mensa, becoming an FBI agent, and, finally, acing Oxford’s All Souls Prize Fellowship Examination. All while drinking!
It is no exaggeration to say that becoming a master sommelier is one of the most difficult human endeavors imaginable. This is what the somms of Uncorked have signed up for. Willingly. Like crazy people. But let’s say, for argument’s sake, that you are also a crazy person and have decided to give it go. Here’s what’s in store:
Level I: Introductory Sommelier Course and Exam
It costs $525 for two days of intensive instruction and relentless grilling (but mostly relentless grilling) by people who know way more about wine than you do, expect you to fail, and are usually not shy about letting you know it. That’s followed by a multiple-choice theory exam consisting of seventy questions. Not seven, seventy.
Level II: Certified Sommelier Examination
If you pass the introductory exam, you earn the right to take the Certified Sommelier Examination, which costs $325 and includes a written theory exam, a blind-tasting exam, and a practical wine service exam. Fun! If you pass, that is. Which means you’re ready for stage three. Fail after all those years of preparation, and be ready to wallow in misery thinking about all the crap on Netflix you could have been watching instead.
Level III: Advanced Sommelier Course and Examination
Okay, you’ve become a certified somm, now it’s time to decide whether you’re ready to take the next step toward becoming a big enough pompous jerk to compete with the other insufferable wine twits for the primo jobs. (Did I say twits? Sorry, I meant whizzes.) Also, you should probably ask yourself, Am I friggin’ crazy? If the answer is yes, then the three-day educational program and subsequent three-day test is for you. Just be sure to bring along two checks in the amount of $795 for the course AND for the exam. If you’re one of the three out of ten candidates that on average pass the exam, well, you’ve earned the right to move on to . . .
Level IV: Master Sommelier Diploma Examination
And people think completing a Rubik’s Cube or circumnavigating the globe in a kayak is hard. To sit for the three-day/three-part MS review, you’ve got to travel to Atlanta, Dallas, or San Francisco on your own dime with another check in tow. Just kidding . . . you actually need to bring three checks, one for each section, in the amount of $795. Don’t worry, though, there a 20 percent chance it’ll be worth it.
Me? Well, the closest I’m ever getting to the master sommelier exam will be watching it on TV.
(Uncorked premieres Tuesday, November 10th at 10 pm on the Esquire Network)
Dan's Wine Picks
Cliff Lede Vineyards “Songbook” Cabernet Sauvignon 2005
A friend gave me a bottle recently as congratulations for completing a book called American Wino. Having just polished of the last drop of the precious vino, I believe I owe the guy, at least, a dedication. Hell, maybe even pen an entire book chronicling his enormous generosity and exquisite taste. The ‘05 Songbook is just that delicious — a quintessential California Cab with great aging potential. Hard to find, but not impossible. Will set you back at least $100.
Schramsberg Crémant Demi-sec ($40)
This year marks the 50th anniversary of the rebirth of the Schramsberg property in Calistoga, and the year that the craft sparkling wine category came to life in California. This calls for a celebration — pass the Schramsberg! Crémant is French for “creamy,” which is a far more enjoyable sparkling wine than “chunky” style. Easier to spread on crackers too. Word on the street is that the Crémant Demi-sec was served at the dinner celebrating the 60th wedding anniversary of President and Mrs. George H.W. Bush AND President Reagan’s Second Inaugural Luncheon AND President Clinton’s dinner for the prime minister of Canada. Oh, and I brought a bottle with me to my buddy Stu’s kid’s bar mitzvah last year. This wine goes places, people!
Oak Ridge Winery OZV Old Vine Zinfandel 2013 ($14)
In the not too distant past, I would have been like, yo, what’s with the old vines? I’m all about what’s new, what’s fresh. Ah, but in the course of researching my book, American Wino, I discovered that when it comes to wine, old is often a good thing. And it doesn’t get any older than Oak Ridge Winery... at least not in Lodi, where they’ve been at it for 80-plus years. The main point I’m making here, of course, is that I wrote a book and intend to plug it relentlessly and shamelessly leading up to its release next April. Deal with it. Or you can simply pre-order it now, and I won’t mention it again. Promise.
