Before we begin, a quick disclaimer: The post you are currently fixing your gaze upon is about Christmas albums. Check that, it’s a post about one Christmas album. The only damn Christmas album that matters, actually. And while I’m sure there are some sensitive folks out there who will get their sanctimonious skivvies in a bunch over my use of the word “Christmas” as opposed to a more inclusive term like “holiday” or “shoppy-time,” I’m going to proceed anyway, mainly because the album featured herein is comprised of songs devoted to a specific annual celebration. That being the one that I grew up celebrating before ultimately growing to dislike — Christmas. This does not mean I harbor any animosity or indifference towards anyone who observes Hanukkah or Kwanzaa or Festivus or what have you... it’s just, well, I’m not very familiar with the soundtracks for those other holidays. Besides, as far as I know, The King never recorded a Hanukkah record.
That’s right, The King. Elvis Aaron Presley. Arguably, the seminal figure in rock and roll history. Inarguably the begetter of the single greatest Yuletide-themed 33 1⁄3 rpm microgroove vinyl record of all time. That’s just a fact. Look it up (nevermind, I did it for you). Elvis’ Christmas Album was released in October 1957. It spent four weeks atop the Billboard charts, and to date has sold over 13 million copies, making it the best-selling Christmas/holiday album in U.S. history. Take THAT, Bing Crosby! (Although, in Crosby’s defense, he did do some amazing stuff with Stills and Nash)
Elvis’ Christmas Album consists of 12 tracks ranging from extraordinary (“Blue Christmas”) to great (“Santa Claus is Back in Town”) to Elvis like to mix Desbutal with Placidyl (“Take My Hand, Precious Lord”). Elvis didn’t actually write any of the songs on the album, but with his singular, soulful, three-octave voice, The King made every single one of those ditties his own.
Now, I’m not a fan of Christmas, but not because it’s too commercialized or destroys the environment or I was once inappropriately touched by a mall Santa Claus who smelled of Pall Malls and whiskey. No, I dislike Christmas for one very simple reason — nauseatingly sentimental beer commercials. Hey Budweiser, I don’t care how many adorable lost labrador puppies those Clydesdales rescue just in time for Christmas dinner at grandma’s house in New Hampshire... the beer still friggin’ sucks!
Ok, but so the one thing I do enjoying doing this time of year is listening to Elvis’ Christmas Album while getting snockered on vino. Been doing it for years and have it down to an art form, with pairings and everything. Check out our perfect holiday album wine pairings...
And please enjoy my gift to you — a heartwarming poem:
Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house
Were family and friends who were getting quite soused
The nog had been spiked with some rum, I must say
It could have been Gosling’s, Bacardi or Mount Gay
The children were nestled all snug in their beds
Drunk parents downstairs with lampshades on their heads
There was Merlot, Syrah, and Cabernet being poured
And Malbec and Riesling and Port and… good Lord!
I’d imbibed so many delicious adult beverages this year
That I figured I’d share some — you know, spread the good cheer
The Fortaleza tequila with lime was a hit
Though when mixed with the egg nog, it kinda tasted like shit
The men drank enough Guinness to fill a whale’s bladder
While the ladies stuck to vodka sodas for fear of getting fatter
My entire supply of single-malt Scotch disappeared
Along with my date, who said I was weird
But then, who needs a date when you’ve got lots of Dom?
And Krug and Heidsieck and some fruit cake from mom
Guys, no girlfriend at Christmas means no costly presents
Which means NOT spending next year in debt, living like peasants.
Oh boy, am I tipsy, and this poem’s getting long
Then again, in my condition it beats writing a song
This is the part where I should mention St. Nick
But to be perfectly honest I’m feeling a little sick
Before I pass out let me leave you with this
No, silly, not free booze, cash money or a kiss
It’s a wish that good cheer this holiday abounds
Hope Santa treats you right and buys a few rounds
Oh, and Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night… that really needs to be in there, too
